Come and join me as I run the show this weekend.
Any other rule ideas? Share them with me in the comments section.
1. No instant replay. No checking with off-site officials who, let’s face it, are sitting around spilling queso all over their screens and powering down sushi like there’s no tomorrow.
2. On second thought, limited instant replay. No, check that. I’m back to no instant replay.
3. Halftime show: 12 minutes. If it goes longer, all entertainers will be banned from future Super Bowls.
4. If a team is ahead by 25 points, play is stopped and the Patriots’ comeback from last year is replayed on the scoreboard at triple-speed. Both the Patriots and the Eagles could use the reminder.
5. The Jumbotron will be used to provide alternative entertainment to what’s happening on the field. [Included in the alternative entertainment will be a burrito-eating contest between the two Man vs. Food guys, Casey and Adam.]
6. Before the National Anthem, the two teams’ owners will engage in an arm-wrestling contest. Loser buys ten tickets for the following year’s Super Bowl, to be given to the winners of a raffle with proceeds donated to the charity of the winner’s choice. In addition, both owners have to match the proceeds of the raffle.
7. If an official throws a flag, he has to explain it to the crowd and audience. No referee conferences allowed.
8. Touchdown celebrations excessively choreographed will result in immediate post-game suspension of that player and any and all of his Rockettes who play along.
9. Any player engaging in non-scoring celebrations will be required to perform the same routine–appropriately garbed– during the next Summer Olympic rhythmic gymnastics competition.
10. No timeouts to freeze the placekicker.
11. On second thought, no timeouts in the last two minutes of the game, period. Let the players play.
12. Fans aren’t immune to consequences during the game: Anyone who strolls in and asks any questions about jersey color or the location of a penalty box will be summarily dismissed to the room to play Twister with the kids.