–If you want to crank out a substandard product and still make a little cash, look to the world of pet products. After all, how can you guarantee the entertainment value of a dog toy? And so, it’s a wide open marketplace. “Barkley couldn’t live without his Squiggly Squirrel” goes the testimonial. What we’re not told is Barkley would equally relish an empty milk container.
–Nike, Under Armour, Adidas… Shouldn’t you be paying us to advertise your products as we wear them?
–I am still waiting for that blasted ‘volumizing’ shampoo to kick in after years of use. My forehead continues its relentless advance.
So, here I am and I am clearly in need of a new look for drafts in MacJournal…
There—that’s better. Charter Roman…I like it.
Giving in to meaningless font-focused distractions prompts me to share a few more tips on how to fail at this writing thing.
1. Have a dog. For a less-fettered path to failure, get one with a clear opinion of his superiority over any digital device.
2. Live in a locale with great weather. That sun just pulls me away, with each wavelength of radiant flux** reminding me that: A. I need vitamin D B. camping out in front of a screen is a waste of valuable daylight.
3. Own a DVR. But if you ARE going to sit in front of a screen and waste valuable daylight, you might as well be catching up on [insert favorite cable series here].
4. Keep your most valuable insights and creations on a plethora of notebooks scattered throughout the universe.
5. Nurture a lifelong interest in sports. [Diabolical ESPN.com opens on its own, I swear.] Checking for croquet updates is thus inevitable, followed by an all-too-convenient point-and-click side trip to your favorite croqueter’s profile.
**Another tip for failure: Find it imperative to research how sunlight is measure.
Dogs belong on the other side of the door. [Pick up a multi-pack of industrial strength earplugs. They’ll muffle out the plaintive canine cries for attention and/or the symphony of squeak toys your furry friends have pulled out of the closet.] I know, I know…noise-canceling headphones, but what’s the fun of those?
Significant others? Make an appointment for lunch. Let’s get real here–they’re going to love an hour away from you.
You’re granted one preset alarm–a midpoint reminder to blink and stretch.
Restroom breaks–cordon off the path with crime scene tape or, better yet, electric fencing. No straying allowed. [Warning sign is optional.]
Need me to be your productivity cop? Airfare, lodging [I’ll even walk and feed the dogs.], $100 an hour. It’s a steal!
Whether it’s prep for National Novel Writing Month or taking a team approach to knock off ‘Finish This Damnable Project!’ list items, order up some pizza, Cheeto’s, and wet wipes. Beverages? Keep ’em straight. You want to be able to find your keyboard, after all.