Rants and Riffs: Installment #5

dog chewing on toy
Pretty sure he didn’t order this ‘toy’ online.

–If you want to crank out a substandard product and still make a little cash, look to the world of pet products. After all, how can you guarantee the entertainment value of a dog toy? And so, it’s a wide open marketplace. “Barkley couldn’t live without his Squiggly Squirrel” goes the testimonial. What we’re not told is Barkley would equally relish an empty milk container.


Nike cloth bag
Shouldn’t I be collecting a little cash for this convenient product placement?

–Nike, Under Armour, Adidas… Shouldn’t you be paying us to advertise your products as we wear them?


man with long hair and beard
I want this guy’s shampoo.

–I am still waiting for that blasted ‘volumizing’ shampoo to kick in after years of use. My forehead continues its relentless advance.

Rants and Riffs: Installment #4–Tips for failure

So, here I am and I am clearly in need of a new look for drafts in MacJournal…

There—that’s better. Charter Roman…I like it.

Giving in to meaningless font-focused distractions prompts me to share a few more tips on how to fail at this writing thing.

1. Have a dog. For a less-fettered path to failure, get one with a clear opinion of his superiority over any digital device.

dog with chin resting on iPad mini

2. Live in a locale with great weather. That sun just pulls me away, with each wavelength of radiant flux** reminding me that: A. I need vitamin D B. camping out in front of a screen is a waste of valuable daylight.

3. Own a DVR. But if you ARE going to sit in front of a screen and waste valuable daylight, you might as well be catching up on [insert favorite cable series here].

4. Keep your most valuable insights and creations on a plethora of notebooks scattered throughout the universe.

These aren't strewn throughout the house, but you get the idea.
piles of notebooks

5. Nurture a lifelong interest in sports. [Diabolical ESPN.com opens on its own, I swear.] Checking for croquet updates is thus inevitable, followed by an all-too-convenient point-and-click side trip to your favorite croqueter’s profile.

**Another tip for failure: Find it imperative to research how sunlight is measure.

Writers Horoscope November 27: Just say no, part 2

Yesterday was the slow-pitch softball approach to warding off distractions.

Today, we go major league.
  1. Dogs belong on the other side of the door. [Pick up a multi-pack of industrial strength earplugs. They’ll muffle out the plaintive canine cries for attention and/or the symphony of squeak toys your furry friends have pulled out of the closet.] I know, I know…noise-canceling headphones, but what’s the fun of those?

    dog-on other side of door

  2. Significant others? Make an appointment for lunch. Let’s get real here–they’re going to love an hour away from you.
  3. You’re granted one preset alarm–a midpoint reminder to blink and stretch.
  4. Restroom breaks–cordon off the path with crime scene tape or, better yet, electric fencing. No straying allowed. [Warning sign is optional.]electric-fence-1832491_1280

Need me to be your productivity cop? Airfare, lodging [I’ll even walk and feed the dogs.], $100 an hour. It’s a steal!

Writers Horoscope for October 26: Intuition wins out.

Bravo. You actually followed your gut. [No, not to the fridge–well, not immediately.]

Instead, you raided your bookshelf.

You put down your pen and put up your feet.

It was time for a cozy dog mystery, a creativity daily devotional, and Charlotte’s Web.

You read for yourself.

person-reading on bed

You recaptured your inspiration and relished in the wordplay, the plot twists, and the comforting conclusions.

There is something to be said about not writing…


 

 

 

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Writers Horoscope for October 22: Today, it’s nose to the grindstone.

Even if you need some help from a few friends.

writers horoscope persistence Nose to the grindstone

Whether it’s prep for National Novel Writing Month or taking a team approach to knock off ‘Finish This Damnable Project!’ list items, order up some pizza, Cheeto’s, and wet wipes. Beverages? Keep ’em straight. You want to be able to find your keyboard, after all.

That’s the fuel for Round 1.

And the payoff for persistence?

dessert

And there may be even *greater* rewards for that extra-extra effort.

 

 

Writers Horoscope August 25 : Today, you’ll have your eyes on a different prize.

 

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

© Tim Haag

And you will pay for it.

Three pounds later, 2000 words in arrears, you will resolve to turn it around tomorrow.

gratisography-faux superhero ready to take on the day determination

You will need twice the willpower to atone for your sins–a day of watercress/kale smoothies and 4000 words [you might as well riff on your day of decadence].

But hey, it was fun while it lasted, right?

 

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