Greeting card makers…since when did your product need that glued-down third ‘page’? The minute I pull a card from the case and feel that extra heft, I know that baby’s going to cost an extra buck.
A curious question from a snail mail donation plea…”How are you enjoying our 2020 calendar?” It’s September of 2019! Why would I have a calendar out three months ahead of time? And really, enjoying a calendar?
Cable companies forcing you into ‘bundles’. All I want is fast Internet access! No, I do not want Keeping Up with the Kardashians, meaningless statistics spewed by sports networks, or some poor mosquito-bitten shlub relying on a palm frond [if we’re lucky] for warmth.
I try to get in 500 words in the morning, but even if I only generate that first hundred, that’s usually all the momentum I need to finish the additional 400 later on.
Also, because I can forget a topic I want to address, I have lately found myself jotting them down at the top of my page, almost as if they’re agenda items…bullet points and everything. Pretty sad, isn’t it?
First of all, doubt your dominance over nature? Git yerself a weedwhacker.
2. Allergy season. Anyone suffer so much that the only practical way to deal with the messy symptoms is to hook a roll of paper towels to your belt?
Still on hay fever…nose-blowin’ guys with the cool 5 o’clock stubble: the inevitable remaining tissue-flivvle…not a good look.
3. Car rental agencies…love to give you a car with a partially-filled tank. They know darn well you’re:
too busy [or not math-fluent enough] to estimate how much is needed to return that midsize at the required level.
going to forget you started with a partial tank
therefore going to fill well beyond the required level.
Hey, we’re all in this together [whatever ‘this’ is]. Any frustrations niggling at you? Share them below.
–If you want to crank out a substandard product and still make a little cash, look to the world of pet products. After all, how can you guarantee the entertainment value of a dog toy? And so, it’s a wide open marketplace. “Barkley couldn’t live without his Squiggly Squirrel” goes the testimonial. What we’re not told is Barkley would equally relish an empty milk container.
–Nike, Under Armour, Adidas… Shouldn’t you be paying us to advertise your products as we wear them?
–I am still waiting for that blasted ‘volumizing’ shampoo to kick in after years of use. My forehead continues its relentless advance.
So, here I am and I am clearly in need of a new look for drafts in MacJournal…
There—that’s better. Charter Roman…I like it.
Giving in to meaningless font-focused distractions prompts me to share a few more tips on how to fail at this writing thing.
1. Have a dog. For a less-fettered path to failure, get one with a clear opinion of his superiority over any digital device.
2. Live in a locale with great weather. That sun just pulls me away, with each wavelength of radiant flux** reminding me that: A. I need vitamin D B. camping out in front of a screen is a waste of valuable daylight.
3. Own a DVR. But if you ARE going to sit in front of a screen and waste valuable daylight, you might as well be catching up on [insert favorite cable series here].
4. Keep your most valuable insights and creations on a plethora of notebooks scattered throughout the universe.
5. Nurture a lifelong interest in sports. [Diabolical ESPN.com opens on its own, I swear.] Checking for croquet updates is thus inevitable, followed by an all-too-convenient point-and-click side trip to your favorite croqueter’s profile.
**Another tip for failure: Find it imperative to research how sunlight is measure.
What the hey?! Even though they have backyards for convenient placement of those unsightly beasts-on-wheels, since when did homeowners find it attractive to leave their trash/recycling/yard waste barrels out for weeks on end? [Yeah, sounds ‘get off my lawn-ish’, doesn’t it?]
Which logically leads to my concerns about fortune cookies…
The other night, I had three of them lined up for late night consumption with [product placement alert!] Yogi ginger tea. Could I enjoy them? Nope. Haunted by the following…
Is it bad juju to break and eat the cookie before reading the fortune?
Am I doomed if the cookie breaks before I even remove it from the wrapper?
Does the exact opposite fate await me if I break protocol?
Worse yet, is it bad form to eat all three cookies and then read all three fortunes?
And should I read them in the same order as the order in which I ate the cookies?
Is there a proper technique to break open the cookie?