Okay, I admit it…on my DVR, I still have 40 minutes of Hallmark’s A Happy and Friends Yule Log. Gotta say, it’s nice to watch cavorting puppies and kittens to break from the daily chaos and mayhem…and I’m just talking about my latest forays in the kitchen. Such as…
Recipe at bottom of post
2. Could someone please tell me where the TV remote is? I know, I know, one of you out there is going to snark that I’d track it better if I didn’t mindlessly pop it in my pocket and drop it off, say, in the garage.
3. Iknow, I know…snark is a noun. Language snobs notwithstanding, it works just as well as a verb.
1. Leaf blowers…the scourge of Western civilization.
2. On a similar note…I hear these bubbleheads/celebrities/semi-celebrities with the cash to buy radio time to spout their views of the world order [or disorder—take your pick]. Lately, I’ve caught myself telling them to just shut up…and it doesn’t even seem to matter whether I agree with them or disagree with them. Huh…go figure. I think I’m just tired of all the noise. [Unless, of course, it’s legit noise from cranky pantses vilifying leaf blowers.]
3. Why don’t presenters armed with PowerPoints and expert knowledge take a couple of minutes to learn how to zoom their projector’s image so the audience can actually see what the laser pointer is aimed at?
1. I realize with the fevered divisions in our society today, this might be off-putting, but I’m sorry. It’s time…
Marzipan? Bleeaack! ** ***
2. Trying to decide if it’s worth changing my Medicare Part D coverage.
Something tells me the time I’ve spent reviewing options has cost me more in ‘life currency’ than the couple of bucks I might save on Medicare monthly premiums for the upcoming ‘season’. [It does feel a bit like open season on us doddering old 65-year-olds.]
I mean, I could be watching a Hallmark Christmas rerun in the time I’ve crafted this verbal masterpiece…
3. I guess I’m wrong, but it seems that Amazon could at least cover my tax bill for this year. The accountants think otherwise.
** Ditto spaghetti squash
*** Double-ditto sea urchin. Haven’t tried it, but I’ve seen those things inverted during my years at the Monterey Bay Aquarium and I’m sorry, I’d eat spaghetti squash enveloped in marzipan before dining on that poor invertebrate. [And, might I add that some people eat them with a raw quail egg. Quadruple gag!]
1. Yep, still waiting for that volumizing shampoo to take effect. Meanwhile, the marked retreat of the scalp line continues, unabated. Damnable Proctor & Gamble!
2, Meanwhile, in the kitchen…measuring spoons on a ring…such an annoyance. You use one, you have to wash all five. Simply takes the joy out of life. [Okay, slight exaggeration.]
3. Food shopping…not so fun anymore…
Great deal on hummus! Yes! I grab two. And then the voices kick in… “So, what’re you gonna do with that container when you’re done?” Visions of Everest-level landfills pop into my head [with an occasional appearance by that drifting island of trash in the mid-Pacific]. I put the hummus back and trudge forward.
Rather than go to the trouble of buying and administering tranquilizers to skittish pets on July 4th, how about we track down and tranquilize the mouth-breathers who set off fireworks in the late night?
Not enough? Partial lobotomies or personality transplants come to mind.
“No need to pay a fine, you guys. Just step right in for a quick noise abatement orientation…”
And while I’m at it, how many of the folks who slap together those fireworks stands for a quick buck are also owners of skittish pets?
First of all, doubt your dominance over nature? Git yerself a weedwhacker.
2. Allergy season. Anyone suffer so much that the only practical way to deal with the messy symptoms is to hook a roll of paper towels to your belt?
Still on hay fever…nose-blowin’ guys with the cool 5 o’clock stubble: the inevitable remaining tissue-flivvle…not a good look.
3. Car rental agencies…love to give you a car with a partially-filled tank. They know darn well you’re:
too busy [or not math-fluent enough] to estimate how much is needed to return that midsize at the required level.
going to forget you started with a partial tank
therefore going to fill well beyond the required level.
Hey, we’re all in this together [whatever ‘this’ is]. Any frustrations niggling at you? Share them below.
–If you want to crank out a substandard product and still make a little cash, look to the world of pet products. After all, how can you guarantee the entertainment value of a dog toy? And so, it’s a wide open marketplace. “Barkley couldn’t live without his Squiggly Squirrel” goes the testimonial. What we’re not told is Barkley would equally relish an empty milk container.
–Nike, Under Armour, Adidas… Shouldn’t you be paying us to advertise your products as we wear them?
–I am still waiting for that blasted ‘volumizing’ shampoo to kick in after years of use. My forehead continues its relentless advance.
So, here I am and I am clearly in need of a new look for drafts in MacJournal…
There—that’s better. Charter Roman…I like it.
Giving in to meaningless font-focused distractions prompts me to share a few more tips on how to fail at this writing thing.
1. Have a dog. For a less-fettered path to failure, get one with a clear opinion of his superiority over any digital device.
2. Live in a locale with great weather. That sun just pulls me away, with each wavelength of radiant flux** reminding me that: A. I need vitamin D B. camping out in front of a screen is a waste of valuable daylight.
3. Own a DVR. But if you ARE going to sit in front of a screen and waste valuable daylight, you might as well be catching up on [insert favorite cable series here].
4. Keep your most valuable insights and creations on a plethora of notebooks scattered throughout the universe.
5. Nurture a lifelong interest in sports. [Diabolical ESPN.com opens on its own, I swear.] Checking for croquet updates is thus inevitable, followed by an all-too-convenient point-and-click side trip to your favorite croqueter’s profile.
**Another tip for failure: Find it imperative to research how sunlight is measure.