Dogs and writing…of course.
Category Archives: Humor
I should be writing. Instead…trolling the newspaper.
Just read that 10,000 polling sites could be hacked because they’re still using Windows 7. How about if they cross up the Russians and backslide to Windows Vista? Windows ME, anyone? How about if we use Apple Newtons as the sole voting device?
***
Skipping sports [who cares about players holding out for more millions and the latest Vegas odds anyway?] and head over to Dear Abby…
One writer signed her letter as ‘Not Pregnant in Texas’. So, if she crossed state lines, would she then be pregnant?
Then there was the concerned mom who wanted to know the proper etiquette on how to end a phone conversation with her son serving overseas in the military. The ol’ ‘night time on her end, the next morning on his end’ quandary that at one time or another has vexed pretty much everyone…okay, perhaps no one.
“Sir! Yes, sir! Failed to properly inspect munitions dump, sir! Confused by mother’s wishing me a good night at 0900 hours, sir!”
And really, why nettle poor overworked Abby with that question? Send it straight to Congress and, after months of wrangling, mud wrestling, and filibustering, she’ll have her answer.
***
Finally…
Rants and Riffs Installment #11: Kickstarting my daily words
I try to get in 500 words in the morning, but even if I only generate that first hundred, that’s usually all the momentum I need to finish the additional 400 later on.
Also, because I can forget a topic I want to address, I have lately found myself jotting them down at the top of my page, almost as if they’re agenda items…bullet points and everything. Pretty sad, isn’t it?
I blame the dog…
for my lack of forward progress.
Rants and Riffs: Installment #7–Bobbleheads, dandelions, and…and…attention span
Bobblehead dolls…please. 40,000 of them on a given night at a major league ballpark.
And often to commemorate a player of marginal ability. [Not daring to use names here.]
If those petroleum-based cluttermeisters even make it home, they’re headed straight to the closet and/or the landfill.
Question 1: What is the half-life of a bobblehead doll of a shortstop who batted .234 lifetime? 450-800 years
Question 2: What does the guy’s batting average have to do with degradation of plastic?
Answer: Nothing. Nothing at all.
Topic: Dandelions. Fellow gardeners…or at least, those of us doing mindless grunt work with hoe and shovel…don’t you think dandelions simply mock us?
The big ones—”Neaner, neaner, neeeeaner! You’re oblivious and I’m huuuuge!”
The small ones—”We’re baaaaack!”
Topic: Clear sign of a vanishing attention span—my lawn mowing has regressed to ‘forward-and-back-in-one-5′ x 5′ square at a time’. Anything beyond that, all bets are off.
Hey, we’re all in this together [whatever ‘this’ is]. Any frustrations niggling at you? Share them below.
Rants and Riffs: Installment #6
First of all, doubt your dominance over nature? Git yerself a weedwhacker.
2. Allergy season. Anyone suffer so much that the only practical way to deal with the messy symptoms is to hook a roll of paper towels to your belt?
Still on hay fever…nose-blowin’ guys with the cool 5 o’clock stubble: the inevitable remaining tissue-flivvle…not a good look.
3. Car rental agencies…love to give you a car with a partially-filled tank. They know darn well you’re:
-
too busy [or not math-fluent enough] to estimate how much is needed to return that midsize at the required level.
-
going to forget you started with a partial tank
-
therefore going to fill well beyond the required level.
Cha-Ching!
Hey, we’re all in this together [whatever ‘this’ is]. Any frustrations niggling at you? Share them below.
Rants and Riffs: Installment #5
–If you want to crank out a substandard product and still make a little cash, look to the world of pet products. After all, how can you guarantee the entertainment value of a dog toy? And so, it’s a wide open marketplace. “Barkley couldn’t live without his Squiggly Squirrel” goes the testimonial. What we’re not told is Barkley would equally relish an empty milk container.
–Nike, Under Armour, Adidas… Shouldn’t you be paying us to advertise your products as we wear them?
–I am still waiting for that blasted ‘volumizing’ shampoo to kick in after years of use. My forehead continues its relentless advance.
Rants and Riffs: Installment #4–Tips for failure
So, here I am and I am clearly in need of a new look for drafts in MacJournal…
There—that’s better. Charter Roman…I like it.
Giving in to meaningless font-focused distractions prompts me to share a few more tips on how to fail at this writing thing.
1. Have a dog. For a less-fettered path to failure, get one with a clear opinion of his superiority over any digital device.
2. Live in a locale with great weather. That sun just pulls me away, with each wavelength of radiant flux** reminding me that: A. I need vitamin D B. camping out in front of a screen is a waste of valuable daylight.
3. Own a DVR. But if you ARE going to sit in front of a screen and waste valuable daylight, you might as well be catching up on [insert favorite cable series here].
4. Keep your most valuable insights and creations on a plethora of notebooks scattered throughout the universe.
5. Nurture a lifelong interest in sports. [Diabolical ESPN.com opens on its own, I swear.] Checking for croquet updates is thus inevitable, followed by an all-too-convenient point-and-click side trip to your favorite croqueter’s profile.
**Another tip for failure: Find it imperative to research how sunlight is measure.
Rants and Riffs: Installment #3
Today’s topic: Cinnamon rolls.
Come on folks, if there isn’t a roiling ooze of brown sugar, melted butter, and cinnamon the second the knife presses into the roll, it ain’t a cinnamon roll.
Want one with frosting? How about powdered sugar/cream cheese mortar? Something that requires the slathering skills of a professional mason. And yes, paying the guy’s union rate is worth it.
My cardiologist awaits…
Crushed dreams… ;->
Today’s Pearls Before Swine is a classic for us writers.
***
Word Inventions 